Voice Of Mars: “Is That Your Mom’s Gun?”

Talking to my husband, circa 2008.

“Exactly what do you have to do to be able to carry a concealed weapon there?” I asked.

“Oh, you have to go to a class. You have to complete a course on gun safety, demonstrate that you know how to take care of a gun, clean it. You have to pass a test on gun laws and then you have to prove you can shoot the thing,” he said.

“Oh. Well, that sound pretty comprehensive.”

“Yeah it is, I guess. I had a hell of a time in there though. I took the class with a bunch of these… they were all these cops. Big ol’ cops with big ol’ guns. They were all friends and they all had these huge guns. I didn’t have a huge gun. My gun was small. You have to bring the gun you want to register to class, see? So do I want a big gun to carry around? I don’t.  I came to class with this little gun and they all teased me about it.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“Oh, they asked me, what’s that? Is that your mom’s gun? Is that your sister’s gun? What are you? Are you a pussy carrying a gun like that? That’s a girl’s gun you dumbass.”

I snickered. “Oh brother.”

“Yeah, I just let them talk. Yeah, it’s my mom’s gun, I said. That’s right. I got this gun from my mom and I’m going to carry it concealed, so what about it, I said.”

I snorted. “They didn’t say anything to that?”

“No, they didn’t say anything. They were all friends, see. I was there by myself but then we got to the part where you have to actually use the gun. You have to shoot at a target so I took out my little gun and of course all mine were head shots. All of them, every single shot was right through the head.”

I smiled.

“And all those motherfuckers said, Jesus! Where the hell did you learn to shoot like that? So I took out my Special Forces coin and tossed it. Learned to shoot like that in Special Forces, I said. Where did you learn to shoot? Who taught you? Yeah, those are nice big guns you guys got. Too bad I am going to plow your brains out with my little gun long before you can get yours into into action,” he said.

“They shut up?”

“Yeah, they shut up after that. They had their jaws open, though. Mom’s gun, my ass.”